From the halls of Foxboro Stadium…

Dempsey fined for TWS

Posted by tonybiscaia on June 22, 2012

SATIRE by Tony Biscaia

USA midfielder Clint Demspey has been fined $2 and suspended for 20 minutes by the USSF for Texting While Scoring, following allegations that he texted from the field both before and after scoring a penalty kick goal in an international friendly against Antiqua, an old but insignificant foe for the US.

According the sources that requested anonymity due to the sensitive nature of the subject matter, Fullham’s Dempsey allegedly texted “I’m going low left” before the kick, and “see? toldya” immediately after tucking the shot past the antique, 49 year old former Oldham keeper.

A video of the goal as seen from the shoecam was confiscated and is being held as evidence, pending legal procedure with no known precedence. A spokesman for Nike refused comment due to a mouthful of dollar bills and just nodded when asked if this could be a gamebreaker decision.

Teammate Landon Donovan says USSF officials are overreacting, and should have seen this coming a long time ago. As a participant in the original SmartShoe ™ technology trials he often talked to his cleats before taking penalty kicks, but was never fined or disciplined. “They are punishing Clint unfairly for breaking a law they haven’t even passed yet. This nanoshoe technology is just getting started and nobody knows what it will lead to next. I mean, the refs can check Clint’s cleats before he enters the game, but they will not be able to see what’s in there even if they wear glasses. Next thing you know they will be fining players for adjusting their shorts before a corner kick.”

Former US National team forward Brian McBrittle, who for years had a facial microchip implant that guided his head to crossed balls and helped him to prominence before anyone ever realized the technology existed, agrees with Donovan. “This is no different than genetically modified food or your grandmother’s cigarettes, by the time your kids are old nobody will remember the difference.”

Please note that the above story is entirely fictional and is not meant to disrespect anyone.

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